Nerves

One of my resolutions this year was to have 6 piano performances. I am trying to reduce my stage fright levels. You see, what often happens to me when I sit down to play for people, ANY PEOPLE (seriously, I get nervous even when I play for my mom . . . MY MOM), I get in this very self-destructive headspace. I just assume that I am going to mess up whatever I am playing. I stop trusting myself. I get sweaty, I get tense, my hands shake (this makes playing the piano super easy and fun), and my mind goes blank. Not good.

I put enormous pressure on myself when I am performing, which makes it way less fun than it could be (see above). I get perfectionist crazy brain and one mistake can be enough for me to write off my whole performance. To be clear, this is not how I respond to other’s performances AT ALL.

Now, I could avoid this whole situation by never performing for anyone. However, that would suck too. Although I get a lot of personal satisfaction and joy from playing the piano, I feel like music must be played for others for it to be truly experienced and appreciated. I mean, my greatest piano daydream is people gathered around singing Christmas carols while I play the accompaniment (perfectly of course! . . . kidding . . . kind of). Community! Shared joy! Christmas!

So far, I have played for others on three occasions. Performing more has definitely helped me to chill out a bit. However, I have a long way to go before completely breaking my weird perfectionist stress cycle. Regular nervousness is fine, what I’ve got going is enough to make me hate the piano. And I don’t want to hate the piano. I love the piano! I love playing and listening! I want to share my music with the world (or you know, the parents and children at my music school’s recitals)! Basically, I am trying to figure out how to be a chill perfectionist so I can fulfill my piano dreams and keep my sanity.