Compulsive Creation

The Basics of Graphite Grading

pencils

I just found out yesterday that pencils have different levels graphite grading (resist your urge to ridicule, please), and this is what makes some pencils have harder lines and some softer. Previously, I thought a pencil was a pencil, and maybe just the size of the tip was what made a difference. I almost always used mechanical pencils in the past when I drew and shading was insanely difficult for me, and so I avoided it. Now I know that this struggle was in large part due to using an entirely inappropriate pencil for the task (like using a fork as a spoon).

Boldly now I walk into a new dawn of pencils! I purchased my first set of drawing pencils, with six different graphite grades to experiment with. Each pencil has a set of numbers and/or letters. To learn more about what on earth these symbols mean I did a quick internet search and landed in the holy land of pencils: CW Pencil Enterprises. These people LOVE pencils and are super knowledgable. Here’s what I learned from their introductory piece on graphite grades:

The core of graphite pencils are mainly made up of two ingredients: graphite and clay. The more clay, the finer and lighter the line. The more graphite, the looser and heavier the line.
The grading systems (there is both a European and American system) are helpful for telling a pencil’s general ratio of clay to graphite, but the consistency is not universal and each brand is a bit different. So, it will probably take some experimenting to find the pencils that work best for varying projects.
A variety of pencil grades is needed to make shading and detail work possible in one drawing (aka, monogamy is for fools in the pencil world).

Graphite Grading

To try to drill all this into my brain I did a quick trial with my new six pencils, which you see above. I tried drawing a single line in the middle to tell immediate thickness and some shading on the sides to see the difference between soft and hard. I also smeared one end to show how much each smudges. The two pencils side-by-side show how much of the tip was used for both the hardest (the HB) and the softest (8B) just to draw the circle and shading. So, yes, there can be a HUGE difference between graphite grading, and I go forth into drawing humbled and a bit wiser.

PIANO TIMES!!!!!

On Thanksgiving Day 2015, I woke up and decided I wanted to learn to play the piano. By the first weekend of December I had purchased an extremely bougie digital piano, and had my first lesson. Everything piano-related had to happen IMMEDIATELY!

It is both exciting and humbling to learn to play an instrument as an adult. On the one hand, I have bigger hands and a fully developed brain, so certain things come quicker to me than my child counterparts. On the other hand, I also have at least 25 years worth of crippling self-doubt and perfectionism to contend with. Yay! So, in addition to being a cool new skill and way to express myself, piano has also been a fun (sometimes) way to push me out of my comfort zone. Little by little I am becoming better at being invested in what I am doing, but not beating myself up about it if I don’t play something at the level that I think I should play it. I am learning to meet myself where I am.

Here is a recording (pardon the sound quality) of a piece I have been working on for a month and some change. As I was recording myself, my nerves were definitely getting to me as I continued to strive for perfection. Each recording attempt got worse and worse due to the additional pressure I was putting on myself. After a while, it just got to be ridiculous. So, here is my first recording, mistakes and all. Though it is definitely not performance ready or where I want it to be musically, it is where I am. I am learning to be cool with it.

Watercolor Portrait: A Beginner’s Attempt

I’m freshly new, like wet paint, to watercolors and this project was my second attempt at making a portrait for a friend (the first was for Claire, who upon hearing I’d just taken up painting demanded I make her a mermaid with the moon, because her expectations are soooo reasonable). This second painting was for my friend Nicki who’s about to pop out her second babe, and who, whenever she’s having a hard time (like during the late stages of pregnancy), asks me to “send the fairies!” I took pictures throughout this project to document my process, which is simply: draw first, then paint over.

To begin, I lightly sketched my basic outline to paint over:

Taped the paper to my easel and laid down the first light layer of paint, mainly as border:

Added more light color, trying to avoid skin areas as much as possible:

Started to paint in details and added layers of color; struggled with how to paint the beauty of her red hair:

Used a fine tip brush to paint the fairies and flowers (this was my favorite part); also tried a splattering technique for the final version:

The end result (I like how the tape on the edges creates an unclean border once removed):

Things I can improve on in future projects:

Hair: hair is hard to paint in general, and add the color red and it was a hot mess.
Creating depth: my paintings are very flat. In fact when Nicki got this in the mail she thought I’d just made her hips really big until her husband pointed out it was her pregnant belly. Clearly, I need to figure out how to use color to create a sense of depth. I think maybe darker paint on the bottom part of the belly would have helped?
I’m not great at drawing or painting people: the facial features are simple and I relied on the pencil lines rather than feeling confident to paint them on, so this is a big focus for me in all future projects.
Blending colors: I’m still learning how the paper, water, and paints all interact to create either smooth blending or hard lines.

All in all, there were struggles, there were mistakes, but I really love how my fairies turned out!

Added bonus: Claire as mermaid

Claire de Lune, Jessie Huffaker, 2017

(Yes, I did avoid having to paint tits by the oh-so-subtle placement of hair, because nipples were just way too intimidating to try on my very first painting…)

Adventures in Photography Volume I

I had to wait two weeks to get my first roll of black and white film back. I hadn’t taken a picture using a film camera since high school. I had forgotten how much I hate waiting to see how a roll of film turns out. I was particularly anxious to see this roll of film because over the time it took me to shoot the film, I traveled to Big Bend National Park, the Rio Grande Valley, Los Angeles, and the top of the Texas State Capitol in Austin. I wanted to know if I did justice to those places and experiences.

Finally, my pictures were ready. I eagerly clicked the link to the scans of my photos, scrolled through them, and then got more and more bummed by how hella lackluster they were. There was a huge discrepancy between what I saw, what I remembered seeing, and what my camera saw and actually captured. What was perhaps the most frustrating to me was that there were a couple pictures that if I could change one or two things, I would like them 1,000 times more. Unfortunately, there aren’t any do-overs for these pictures. The moment is gone; I am no longer in those places, with those people, under those lighting conditions, and in whatever headspace that led me to be intrigued by whatever I was intrigued by.

When I began, I was operating under the misapprehension that photography would somehow be easier to become accomplished at than other mediums. I thought that because I had taken some good pictures in my life, I would be able to take good pictures constantly now that I’ve picked photography as something that I want to get serious about. Intellectually, I knew this was idiotic and disrespectful. Obviously it takes time to get good at most things even if they seem “easy.” However, I hadn’t fully internalized the fact that I would actually have to practice and learn about what I was doing.

These pictures, though lackluster, exposed my gaps in knowledge and have helped me move forward in my quest to take consistently and intentionally dope pictures.

“Likes”

My mom and I have an Instagram account for our dolls. Yes, we are adults. Yes, we play with dolls. Yes, it’s awesome. What I discovered through this is that there is a whole world of doll accounts on Instagram. FYI: People do very weird and wonderful things with their dolls and it’s dope. However, what started out as some fun shit to do actually became a source of an unanticipated obsession: the number of “likes” on my photos. And unfortunately, this obsession began to affect how I viewed my own pictures.

It all started with this picture. This was one of a set that I took while I was in Venice Beach, California.

I liked all of the pictures I posted. There was just something about this picture in particular that made me really want to post it. BUT THEN when I posted it, it was one of the pictures that got the fewest likes. When I saw that no one really liked my picture I got DEEP in my feelings and started questioning everything.

– Why don’t they like it?

– Do I not know how to curate my own photos?

– What’s wrong with my pensive AF doll photo?

Then I looked at the picture again and found everything that was wrong with it. In the end, I had a whole list:

– I could have done something more interesting with the composition.

– The cropping is kind of weird.

– It would have been nicer to see more of the graffiti wall.

Even though it wasn’t perfect, I liked the picture when I posted it. But then the lack of likes made me stop liking it. How ridiculous! The arbitrary feedback I received from random Internet people affected my whole view of my picture. With later posts, the more “likes” I received, the better I felt about the pictures I posted. I started interpreting “likes” as an in-depth critique of my work when in reality, Instagram is absolutely not that serious.

Basically, I had the makings of a complex even though this doll Instagram account is a relatively low stakes endeavor and we only have like 20 followers. I can only imagine how it must be for artists who are actually making a living from their art. How do they maintain the balance between what they are passionate about and what sells? How often does self-expression and salability truly overlap? What an enormous amount of pressure!

The good news is that I have gotten over my habit of conflating number of “likes” with actual critique. One thing that helped was getting more confident my pictures. Over these past few months I have taken pictures I am actually really proud of. So, even if it doesn’t get as big of a response, I know my picture is dope and something that I enjoy looking at.

I also noticed how some of the pictures that got a bigger response were pictures that I didn’t necessarily agree were the best. This picture has the distinction of being the most “liked” photo on our account.

In my opinion, this is not even the best picture I posted that day. I like this one better.

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely still start to feel myself a little bit when there is a positive response to my posts. I also still get a little salty when a picture I really like doesn’t get as big of a response. BUT the difference now is that my opinion of my own photo doesn’t change based on something so arbitrary. It is important to me that I maintain a sense of my own ideas and how I want to express them. I don’t want to lose my creative point of view especially over something so random (but still kinda gratifying) as an Instagram “like.”

Sketching a Plan

Jessie's sketchbook

If you read the introduction post, you’ll already know that I struggle with consistency. I get enthralled with something, obsess over it, and then all too quickly my attention gets caught by a new glittering over there, and I’m off. I’ve explored a lot of breadth in the world of creativity, but never achieved much depth.

This blog is my opportunity to commit to a plan of digging down, even as the free-flowing part of me cringes and shakes the bars of an imaginary box. “Calm down!” I yell at myself, “A little planning never hurt anyone!”

So, I’m committing to the following at the outset of this blog:

Daily sketching: My drawing skills are currently languishing in amateur status. Because of this, I rarely draw. Thus, an evil negative loop has me in its clutches. No more! Daily I’ll sketch and once a month I’ll share some of my progress.
Watercolor: I’ve only been painting for a few months now, so I’m experiencing a newbie’s wonderland of errors and delight. I’ve also been inconsistent in how frequently I paint, so I plan to paint at least three days a week, often using sketches as a base or trying out new techniques, and share some of the results once a month.
Mixed in: Between these drawings and painting I’ll post some of my short writings and artwork made to go along with my posts on my other blog. Also random thoughts on creativity: what is it, why is it so hard to maintain a practice, how do creative people deal with the downs? And of course random bits of creation that come up.

Sketchbook Page 1

Wow, look at that, I made a plan (filled with holes for madness to creep in)! I’ve grown already.

P.S. Why does my sketchbook have lettering that isn’t real lettering?! Because I couldn’t stand reading the words written in it by the company that made it, so I scribbled over all of it, neurotically. Welcome to my world.

Why are We Blogging and What About?

Compulsive Creation: Participants (that’s Claire and Jessie) agree to sustain their efforts in the making of art (in any form) and to share their work and explorations on this blog right here. It won’t always be pretty, but there will be creation.

JESSIE! I’ve always been a dabbler, flighty in my interests and efforts. As a kid it was scrapbooking (no laughing please), then beading, then photography. I had my “alien invasion” phase, where I drew aliens only (mostly invading); and my “maze” phase, where I drew mazes. I took up making hair accessories for a while, as well as the guitar, which I quickly put back down again. I learned to knit (for a bit) and went so far into sewing as to make a perfectly acceptable pillowcase. Drawing and writing have been my longest creative relationships, but even those I give wavering attention to. My latest flirtation is with watercolor.

Yes, I have floated about on a breeze of own creative-inconsistency, and I’ve enjoyed myself and made some decent works. But I struggle (clearly) with commitment, with sustained effort, with habitual creation. I want to hold myself to the development of my own creative potential, to create even when I don’t feel like it, and see what happens then. Because I’ve got simmering ideas and images in my mind, but not the skill to bring them to life. Not yet. But that’s why I’m here. And, for once, I’ll focus my creative energies, on drawing, watercolor, and writing.

CLAIRE! Because of my mother, I spent most of my childhood in art galleries, studios, and darkrooms. When she painted, I painted. When she shot and developed photographs, I shot and developed photographs. When she made pots out of clay, I made pots out of clay. When she spent FOREVER at one of her art openings, I was there too. Though my 6, 7, 8, 10, 15 year old self would have LOVED to not sit in these places for hours, my adult self realizes what a gift this was because, as it turns out, art is a major part of who I am.

I feel the most purposeful and excited when I am bringing an idea to life, making something more beautiful, or simply messing around with the various materials around me. This is a fact that I forgot while I was busy spending the past few years becoming a lawyer. What is most exciting to me about this space is that I will have a forum to explore this neglected side of myself through photography, music, drawing, and painting.